A global pandemic, mass unrest in the USA, and the growing tension between China and the West. It’s official, 2020 is fucked. We’re practically living in the 21st-century version of 1914, the world is changing fast and certainly not for the better.
In footage released from the riots in Minneapolis, we even saw one guy try to take on rioters with an English archers weapon of choice, the bow & arrow, before being overpowered and violently beaten. Y’all need some guidance on this! We did, however, also see a Big Tiddy Goth GF observing the riots with a Kalashnikov, she is exempt from said guidance and is doing just fine.
We sure as hell hope that shit doesn’t hit the fan and hope things will return back to normal sooner rather than later, but just in case, here is Weird World Wires must have overlooked items for a coming apocalypse, albeit without zombies as most of us specifically asked but that’s just classic 2020.
African Sun Compass
Africa isn’t all about poverty, strife, and cannibal warlords. In fact, the continent brought us one of the best old school navigation tools ever made: the African Sun Compass which functions using a technique called celestial navigation which calculates your position based on the location of the sun, moon, and stars. This was even used by the British SAS on their missions in North Africa during WW2.
If you think such techniques are outdated today due to the prevalance of GPS and Google Maps, you’re wrong. In a situation of societal collapse and shit hitting the fan, you can bet your last bag of bottle cap currency that all of those systems will go down. Thus, it pays to be prepared with alternative methods of navigation to be able to get your bearings in an apocalypse.
SMG Chest Rig
It’s no secret that the modern man is under equipped when it comes to pockets, women often don’t have any! When it comes to an apocalypse, you need space to carry ammo, phones, first aid kits, a Thot vaccine and emergency chocolate bars. What better way to combine them all, than with an SMG chest rig.
A chest rig setup can be made to be lightweight and comfortable with the ability to customize with various pouches according to the MOLLE system allowing you to have a chest rig set up fitted to your own post-apocalyptic needs. Most SMG chest rigs are lightweight and compact enough to be thrown into a bailout bag alongside an Emissary gun belt or an RLC Stable Belt.
In the apocalypse, it can be easier to find photos of Tatiana Zappardino naked than it can be to find food, so it’s good to have a self-defence weapon to ward off bands of looters. The Samurai sword was copyrighted by Mishone at the Lackner family farm in the Walking Dead and the Kukri knife has been copyrighted by the Gurkhas. There is one badass apocalyptic weapon that few people have made an icon of yet, the Kora Sword!
A traditional weapon of the Gurkhas in Nepal but not as well known as the Kukri Knife, the Kora Sword is created through the royal engineering of the Nepalese kingdom and has historically been used for fighting in battles and sacrificial ceremonies. So it is completely customizable if you decide to turn into a cannibal or cult leader during the apocalypse.
As we’re seeing right now, the apocalypse is defined by civil unrest. When shit really hits the fan, you may be forced to navigate areas of severe unrest, riots, and full-blown battles. To enter any of these without head protection is a rookie error. This is where the Caiman helmet comes in.
The Caiman helmet is the protective headgear of choice for warfighters and law enforcement. Lightweight, ballistic, non-interfering, and customizable with various tactical gear, the Caiman Helmet should be your easily carryable and portable headgear of choice during the collapse of society, as any person who works in the army will testify.
Post Apocalyptic Heavy Truck
This one goes without saying. There are a few advantages to the collapse of society and one of them is the ability to build a badass post-apocalyptic Heavy Truck to traverse the country and get to wherever the fuck you’re going whilst simultaneously emasculating others and warding off potential rivals.
If you need inspiration for a post-apocalyptic heavy truck, refer to movies like Mad Max or The Book of Eli. If you haven’t seen either of those movies and the apocalypse has already begun, you’re probably not going to survive very long, my dude.
RPG 7 Replica
Replica! What kind of pussy shit is this? I hear you say. Well, traveling with a live RPG in your post-apocalyptic heavy truck during the apocalypse is a pretty fucking bad idea. However, having a replica that you can aim out of the sunroof at anybody pondering whether to fuck with you is a sure-fire way to stop things before they escalate. For a fascinating, in-depth case study of such a tactic, please refer to the scene from the movie Don’t Be a Menace.
Macgyver Swiss Army Knife
It goes without saying that a Macgyver Swiss Army Knife is a crucial piece of kit during the apocalypse. Whether you want to craft a shelter, build a fire, or crack open a cold one (unlikely, due to power outages) after successfully battling a rival armed apocalyptic group, a Macgyver Swiss Army Knife is another must-have tool in your apocalypse survival kit.
Your hands are vital to survival, so when it comes to gloves in the apocalypse, throw away your mittens and get something that gives you the ability to do the Hulk Smash! Ko-gt6 gloves are made of extremely tough material that will protect your hands from cuts, slashes, extreme heat, and cold. The knuckles feature a knuckle plate allowing you to smash through windows and other objects with ease as well as defend yourself against people during the apocalypse.
These gloves are also touchscreen responsive, so you can tweet to all your friends when you’ve just fought off a gang of roving cannibals singlehandedly using your Ko-gt6 gloves. We don’t recommend this however, as the apocalypse is the perfect chance to get away from reliance on a smartphone.
As I said, my friends, I truly hope things don’t go past the point of no return and that this article becomes useless. However, if any of my recommendations or tactics listed in this article don’t work and land you in trouble during the apocolypse, you can’t complain as the internet will probably be a distant memory. Good luck!