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Philippines Cancels Crucifixions Over Coronavirus

Things have gotten so bad that the Philippines cancelled crucifixions over coronavirus fears.

There a plenty of people not taking COVID-19 seriously, like Boris Johnson, beach-going Spaniards, and US of A, but you cannot say that about Duterte and the Philippines. For the first year in living memory, no one will be nailed to a cross in the Philippines over easter.

It turns out the Philippines really like Jesus, well except for the MILF’s (Moro Islamic Liberation Front), they really like Mohammed. Every Good Friday, the Philippines has an event called the Cutud Lenten Rites festival in San Fernando, Pampanga province, where devotees retreat the passion of the Christ by nailed to a cross. Not figuratively, but literally nailed to a cross.

But, the fun does not stop there, non-nailers also self-flagellate themselves, whilst onlookers from around the globe (including almost every media outlet) watch on, eating ice-cream whilst blood splatters everywhere.

The “main event” as it were is held in an almost country fete type atmosphere with significant company sponsorship, Jesus based t-shirt sales, pop-up food stalls, and of course, a small hospital unit for people as they get off the cross.

Last year (2019) the Cutud Lenten Rites festival broke new ground in the equality stakes when someone without a penis was allowed to get nailed to the cross, but sadly in 2020, there will be no nailings, as the local government have decided that a mass gathering of people with blood splattering everywhere isn’t good during a pandemic….

Government sources have suggested (probably) that religious devotees stay at home and celebrate things as God intended, by eating chocolate Easter Eggs.

Ironically San Fernando is the second most famous city in Pampanga, following Angeles City, which is renowned as a den of whoring, where again ironically, no one will be getting nailed this Easter.

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