As most of the world remains in lockdown in the midst of the current global pandemic, it’s no secret that Covid-19 has changed all of our lives. Nobody knows what the new future will be when we hopefully pull ourselves out of this, but some early signs are appearing of what is in store. Whilst most of you are probably going stir crazy due to lack of human contact, many are predicting a last days of Rome scenario when the lockdown is finally lifted. This sounds great, but hold your horny horses! Coronavirus isn’t done fucking us over just yet.
In Switzerland, a country of rich fucks, anti-Kosovan racists and nazi collaborators, the first glimpse of casual sex after coronavirus has appeared. Whilst many believe that there is no sex in Switzerland and that it’s natives simply appear from cuckoo clocks as tiny homunculi with underdeveloped senses of humour, this is only partially true.
Prostitution is legal and regulated in Switzerland; one thing the country can be proud of. However, coronavirus has decimated the Swiss sex industry after prostitution was banned and brothels closed. Across the country’s brothels, the ladies of the night (or day, it’s legal after all) are creating a rule sheet that will allow brothels to reopen with a decreased risk of spreading coronavirus through sex.
The list details that sex-limited to two positions will massively reduce the risk of spreading coronavirus. Whilst the positions are probably family favourites in Switzerland. They are not going to be very enjoyable for normal people. Doggy style and reverse cowgirl are the advised positions, as they allow women to face away from their sexual partner and avoid face-to-face contact. Good job for all the uglies of the world. For the beautiful people, you’re not important anymore.
As well as two shitty positions, other anti-COVID measures to protect the health of prostitutes and clients is to ventilate rooms for over 15 minutes after the deed and rewash sheets and towels each time at high temperature. Prostitutes will also be advised to wear a face mask at all times and avoid touching the clothes and belongings of clients. Sexual contact is also to be limited to a maximum of 15 minutes, which is 12 more than most men need.
And there you have it, boys and girls, coronavirus has officially ruined casual sex and prostitution. At least the good news is that you can happily power swipe on tinder because you’ll never see the face. The next time I have a shit time in bed, I’ll just lay back and blame the Swiss. Proscht!