The Man with a Fish up his Ass

You ever ate fish and gotten constipation? How about skipping the ‘eating’ part and just shoving the fish right up there? That seems to have been the thought process of a 30-year-old man in China who was taken to hospital in Guangdong not long ago with a ‘Mozambique tilapia’ rammed up his rectum. The fish is an invasive species to be sure, but that’s generally not what’s meant by the term.

The fish itself notably a pretty large thing. This isn’t an eel with a thin, pointed body that you can picture squirming its way up there, the bastard can reach as much as fifteen inches in length and would be about three and four in ‘height’, however you may wish to measure that in terms of fish. Perhaps most disturbingly is the dorsal fins the fish has, which include spines which… Well, I don’t think I need to explain why spikes in the inside of your ass aren’t exactly ideal.

To his credit, he claims to have ‘accidentally sat on it’, but I won’t lie, it’s not the most convincing claim I’ve heard. But hey, for the sake of argument (and for a bit of fun), let’s just assume he’s telling the truth. This poor soul accidentally sat on the fish. Fish, typically living in the water makes this a little strange, but fuck it, let’s assume he was a fisherman and he’d gotten it on his boat.

So he fished up this extremely undesirable animal and decided to keep it flopping around on his boat, around the seat. Sure. Then he sat on it and it tore apart his trousers and underwear before…. No, no, that doesn’t make sense. I guess he must have also been naked at the time, or at least wearing a skirt with no underwear. It’s pretty odd behavior, but we’re not here to judge, only to explain.

He sits on the fish and his ass somehow doesn’t logically pin it down sideways and crush the poor bastard. The fish was standing upright on its tail, maybe in the midst of flopping from one side to the other, its head pointed upwards towards the anus before it. And… Logic still dictates that the fish gets crushed, but let’s not be pessimistic. Perhaps his arsehole was already distended from the last night’s curry, so there was enough room already for the fish to slip its ‘lil head inside.

So he keeps sitting and his remarkably flexible ring expands ever wider, about three to four inches, to force ever more of it up his ass, the poor wee thing flopping away to force itself deeper. He gives it a tug, but those damned dorsal fins have already lodged it. Deeper it goes and all he can do is hope to god it stops doing him damage and just dies in there. Which… It eventually does, by the sounds of things. So there we go, we have our shockingly implausible story. No need to print libel about this poor man enjoying the feeling of a freshwater fish swimming up his tailpipe.

After understandably failing to get the dead beast out, the poor man rushed to the hospital and even they couldn’t get it out normally. It was then required to cut open his belly and take it out that way, not unlike a cesarean, which I choose to believe makes this man a mother. What became of the man afterwards is unknown, but I choose to believe it involved a wedding.

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