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Eco-Friendly America Now Stabbing Terrorists From the Sky

You know the feeling. You’re on a long flight gazing out of the window onto the world below. Whether you’re flying over a country you despise, like Romania, or just have really good eyesight and spot that asshole who fucked your wife. You get the sudden urge to stab somebody on the ground from the seat of your plane only to be hindered by the fact you’re at cruising altitude and slightly out of stabbing range. Well, America has come up with a solution.

Since 2001, America has been coming up with a variety of family-friendly ways to obliterate global terrorists and their offspring. From Hellfire missiles to the mother of all bombs, they sure know how to leave an impression that will leave an impact on you. However, one of the most quirky methods of execution designed in the land of the free is the so-called ‘Ninja Missile.’

Officially known as the AGM-114R9X, this lethal weapon is usually deployed from an MQ-9 Reaper Drone and boasts an array of razor-sharp folding blades in place of a warhead. Whilst it promises a gnarly, Game of Thrones-style death for any brown people targeted by it, it massively minimized the risk of collateral damage which the US has become a connoisseur in during recent years.

The missile is rarely used, however, but a few case studies of it in action have been seen in some US strikes in Syria. The missile was used to kill Abu Khayr al-Masri, the deputy leader of al-Qaeda, back in 2017. Images from the aftermath show the car largely intact apart from blade-shaped holes in the roof and flesh and blood-spattered windows, which incredibly were mostly unbroken.

Due to its warhead being replaced with blades, the missile is incredibly classed as inert. Despite the US military creating a bigger carbon footprint that multiple countries combined, I feel this eco-friendly killing machine is the first step in changing that. Well done America! We love you! Please don’t fucking kill me with airborne scissors!

Jason Green
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