Worst travelers we ALL meet. News of a potential vaccine in the fight against coronavirus has obviously got a lot of us excited about travel again. Now whilst traveling is a wonderful thing, like any love we tend to look back with rose-tinted spectacles, forgetting the negatives that also follow with it.
Now let’s be honest, we all meet a lot of shit-heads when we travel. We’ve therefore pitted our minds back to those days of travel and put together our list of the 10 of the worst travelers we ALL meet
The Bill Splitter
I used to use fake country names when I did this analogy, but I have decided to just go all out and say the story. Many years ago I was with a group in Venezuela. We’d had starters, steak, and beautiful red wine. When the bill came I proudly proclaimed that it would cost a mere $3.10 if we split the bill, almost everyone rejoiced at how cheap it was, before the bill splitter jumped in “I didn’t have a starter”. I paid the extra 25 cents and decided never to travel with him again. The bill splitter is equal opportunity and can be a male, or female.
The Romeo is particularly prevalent in China and South-East Asia, particularly in poor countries. He is always a he. Usually not so popular with the ladies (at home), he has discovered that he does better with the ladies “out East”. Instead of just being happy with said situation, he no only abuses it, but actually buys into his own hype. Not to be confused with the SexPat.
The Digital Nomad
Digital Nomads are similar to people that travel whilst working online. The difference between someone who travels and works online and a digital nomad is that a digital nomad has to tell EVERYONE what they do and how successful they are. They love to talk LOUDLY in hostels about big-money deals, but you have no chance in them ever buying a drink. Can be either sex.
Crazy Cooky, Zanny girl
The “crazy” chick is always a female. She’s basically Phoebe from friends, loves to lecture on the environment and is by and large a vegan. You will know she is a vegan, because she will tell you on multiple occasions. Other tell tale signs are elephant pants and ethnic tattoos. Liable to get stranded on a deserted island.
The Black Widow/Widower
Usually a female, but in rare situations you will find a male of the species. This person arrives in a c country without any language, little money and no redeemable qualities, or skills. Thankfully he/she does have at least passable looks, this means that at the first possible opportunity they grab onto a partner like a leech. If you spy a “single” one you have approximately a 48 hour window before he/she takes their next host.
The Dodgy Dealer
Available no matter where you go in the world, usually male and often a Londoner. He doesn’t work, will rip you off as soon as look at you, but always “knows a guy” who can get you everything. There are times we all need a drug dealer and this is your man! Use him whilst he’s there, for eventually he will get deported, imprisoned and, or killed.
The assimilator is usually a man, but can come from both sexes. The assimilator embraces the local culture to embarrassing levels He becomes near fluent in the local language. Now whilst learning the language, and embracing a culture are not bad things the assimilator is REALLY condescending and will always correct you on your language. He also knows everything about everything.. Best avoided, but really useful if you need a translator at the clap clinic. Oh and he insist on being called by his “local” name.
The Bitter Foreigner
The bitter foreigner can be male, or female and the breed exists everywhere that foreigners live. Usually said bitter foreigner has been “in country” for 10+ years and is frankly over it. Sadly instead of just leaving he/she takes every opportunity to not only complain about the place, (particularly the locals) and to lecture EVERYONE about EVERYTHING to do with said country. Can be from any nation, but the British are by far the best at this, and often resemble some colonial-era type figure. I won’t mention the name, but if you are reading this and think this is you, it is you.
Wasta Man is usually a white male, but again can be female. It is a white person with dreadlocks. Wastaman usually comes from a solid middle-class background, has a trust fund, and as is often the case his/her father is a police officer. Smokes weed and likes to say things like “people are people man”. Never has any money, nor will buy anyone anything. Although will happily take a drink if you are paying. Avoid at all costs.
The Beg Packer
Beg packers are the absolute WORST travelers! Essentially they are middle-class white people (often couples) that have run out of daddy’s money whilst traveling the globe. To fund their travels they either flat out beg or worse still sell their shitty handicrafts with signs saying “help us continue our travels”. They tend to do this in direct competition with actual poor people of a said country trying to sell things in order to feed their families. I once saw one of these idiots begging with a kid. He even had the audacity to get angry when I took a photo. Never give these twats any money. Worst of the worst travelers.
After describing 10 of the worst travelers I have met, lets finish with at least one good one.
The Knight in Shining Armour
The Knight can be male, female and of any age, or colour. These are the type of people that help when you get robbed, break down, or simply need help with translation. These are our guardian angels of the travel world. Be a knight, not an ass hat.